jazzycola: (noday)
[personal profile] jazzycola
As I was laying down to sleep last night, I kept having these weird and horrible thoughts. I don't mean horrible as in suicidal or anything that severe. What I mean is I kept hearing the words "I want a divorce" in my head and...it wasn't in a voice I recognized as my own.
I know I'm not schizophrenic but it really freaked me out because that's not something I EVER EVER WANT. I love my husband to pieces and I know for a fact that divorce is NOT SOMETHING I WANT AT ALL. Why the hell did I hear that in my head over and over after I went to lay down to sleep? Could my new medication be messing with my mind or something? I had to keep saying "I love my husband so very very much and never want to leave" to myself over and over again, and said the serenity prayer over and over as well. These haunting thoughts have happened once or twice before and both were during medication switches. Thoughts like this scare the shit out of me. I do not want to divorce my husband. I am pretty sure why I heard that though, my therapist said something about discussing more about my marriage next week and that kinda frightened me. My mother drilled into my head from a young age that the details of relationships and marriages were nobody's business but the two people involved in it. I know that my therapist is an exception to that but I'm still a bit freaked about discussing my marriage with someone outside it. Could it be that I'm scared of what I might say about it or what might be read between the lines by my therapist? Don't get me wrong, I trust and really like Dr. S, but I am just a bit hesitant to talk about my marriage because of what my mother taught me.

Then again, my mother taught me lots of things that I should've never been taught anyway - to be scared of too many things, to be selfish in relationships, to believe that married people and people in relationships have sex every night, to always do what you want and ignore the advice of those that know you're going down the wrong path. I think I need to shed all of this shit that my mother taught me that was wrong and figure out what's right for me again. She got in the way of me doing things growing up due to HER fears and her insecurities. I couldn't be a little league cheerleader, I couldn't play basketball, I couldn't do many things because she didn't want me doing them and getting hurt emotionally or physically or because she thought I wouldn't be good at them. How the hell would I have known if I was good at them or not without actually trying them!

I do not do not do not do not do not want to divorce my husband, now or at any other time.
I NEVER EVER WANT TO MOVE BACK TO OHIO FOR ANY REASON.
I NEVER WANT TO DIVORCE MY HUSBAND. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER.
NEVER WANT TO DIVORCE MY HUSBAND.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND, BAD THOUGHTS.

DEAR MOM:
YOU WILL NOT CONTROL ME.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND, MOM.
YOU AND YOUR NEGATIVITY AND BULLSHIT
WILL NO LONGER CONTROL ME.
YOU HAVE STOLEN MY CAREER
YOU HAUNT MY MIND ALL THE TIME
AND I AM TIRED OF YOU HAUNTING IT.
STOP WITH YOUR HAUNTING ME
AND YOUR CONTINUED CONTROL OVER ME
YOU ARE DEAD AND NO LONGER CONTROL ANYTHING
OR ANYONE
GET OUT OF MY BRAIN AND STOP TRYING
TO CONTROL ME FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I DO NOT WANT THE REMNANTS OF YOUR
BAD LESSONS TO ME STUCK IN MY MIND ANYMORE
GET OUT.
I DON'T WANT BAD MEMORIES OF YOU.
I DON'T WANT YOUR NEGATIVITY FUCKING UP MY LIFE ANYMORE
YOU MAY BE DEAD BUT YOU STILL FUCKED ME UP WHEN YOU WERE ALIVE
I WANT THAT FUCKED UP STUFF GONE.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE ME WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT YOU.
I AM TIRED OF THESE NASTY THOUGHTS.
I DO NOT WANT TO DIVORCE MY HUSBAND, EVER.
I DO NOT EVER WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF I JUMPED FROM A HIGH PLACE AND HIT THE GROUND AND DIED
EVER AGAIN
I AM AFRAID OF HEIGHTS AND THE THOUGHTS OF THAT ALONE MAKE ME UPSET.
YOU MAKE ME UPSET.
YOU DIED AND IT WAS A SHOCK AND I MISS YOU EVERY DAY
BUT I CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT TAKE ALL THE SHIT YOU PUT INTO MY HEAD ANYMORE.
PEOPLE DO NOT MAKE FUN OF ME OUT IN THE WORLD LIKE YOU SAID THEY WOULD.
PEOPLE ARE NOT AS UGLY AND RIDICULOUS AS YOU SAID THEY WERE.
YOU WERE SO FUCKING VAIN AND SO FUCKING SNOBBY
YOU CAUSED TROUBLE AND CAUSED PAIN FOR EVERYONE YOU CLAIMED TO LOVE
AND THE ENTIRE TIME ALL YOU WANTED WAS TO KILL YOURSELF
I DON'T WANT TO EVER BE LIKE THAT OR BE LIKE YOU
YOU WERE MY MOTHER AND I LOVED YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
BUT I CANNOT BE LIKE YOU, I CANNOT EVER BE LIKE YOU
I WILL NOT DO DRUGS OR DRINK OR HAVE PROMISCUOUS SEX.
I WILL NOT CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND AND DIVORCE HIM FOR SOME LOSER
WHO I WOULD PROCEED TO MARRY AND THEN DIVORCE SIX MONTHS LATER
I WOULDN'T INSTANTLY MOVE IN SOME MAN THAT I MET AT A GAS STATION
BECAUSE HE'S BLACK AND HANDSOME AND BLAH BLAH BLAH
I WOULDN'T START DOING DRUGS TO SELF-MEDICATE FOR MY ISSUES
I WOULDN'T EXPECT MY DAUGHTER TO INSTANTLY SEE THIS MAN AS A FATHER FIGURE
"EVEN THOUGH HE DEALT AND DID DRUGS AND GOT ME INTO THEM HE WAS A GOOD MAN," YOU SAID.
BULLSHIT, MOM. JUST BULLSHIT.
WHAT ABOUT THE YEAR BEFORE YOU DIED, WHEN YOU WERE IN ICU AND TRIED TO
KILL YOURSELF THEN, BY REFUSING TO WEAR YOUR OXYGEN TUBING/MASK AND BY TAKING HANDFULS OF SEROQUEL?! WHEN YOU KNEW I WAS IN TOWN AND COULD GET THERE TO HAVE TO SEE YOU IN ICU BY YOUR OWN HAND.

HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL IN MAY/JUNE OF THAT YEAR AND
AMANDA NEVER CALLED OR NOBODY ELSE CALLED ME ABOUT IT EITHER?
I HAD TO MAKE CALL AFTER CALL AFTER CALL AND FINALLY FOUND YOU AND ALL
YOU COULD DO IS CRY AND CRY AND THEN TELL ME YOU HAD TO GO.

I AM TIRED OF ALL OF THESE BAD AND FUCKED UP MEMORIES IN MY HEAD
I AM TIRED OF YOUR VOICE SOMETIMES STILL BEING IN MY HEAD
TELLING ME HOW BAD SOMETHING IS AND NOT TO DO IT
TELLING ME I SHOULD DO X, Y OR Z INSTEAD AS IF YOU CONTROL ME
YOU REALLY FUCKED ME UP AND I AM NOT HAPPY AT THIS POINT.
I CAN'T EVEN BE A CNA ANYMORE BECAUSE EVERY PATIENT REMINDS ME OF YOU
MY CAREER IN THAT FIELD IS OVER BECAUSE YOU FUCKED ME UP SO MUCH
YOU USED TO YELL AND SCREAM AT ME FOR NO REASON AND NOW I CAN'T STAND HEARING THAT
FROM ANYONE, ANYWHERE AT ANY TIME.
SCREAMING AND YELLING TO ME IS A HORRIBLE TERROR AND I STILL CURL UP IN A BALL
BECAUSE OF YOU THAT'S HOW I HAVE TO HANDLE HEARING THAT
YOU FUCKED ME UP, MOM. YOU REALLY FUCKED ME UP.
YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW MUCH YOU FUCKED ME UP.
I WILL NOT EVER DIVORCE MY HUSBAND, NEVER EVER EVER.
I WILL NOT LET MY LIFE BE FUCKED UP BY YOUR IDEAS OR THOUGHTS THAT YOU PLANTED
PLANTED IN MY HEAD A LONG TIME AGO
NEVER AGAIN, NEVER EVER AGAIN.
NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER AGAIN WILL YOU EVER CONTROL ANY PART OF ME, MOM.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER AGAIN.
I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS ANYMORE.
I CAN'T LET YOU DO THIS ANYMORE.
I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE AND IN THE END YOU RESPECTED THAT
BUT YOU STILL FUCKED ME UP SO VERY MUCH THAT NOW I AM A TAD LOST
LOST ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, LOST ABOUT WHO I EVEN AM ANYMORE
AND THE WORST PART IS THAT EVEN THOUGH I HAVE PEOPLE TO TURN TO ABOUT THIS
I FEEL LIKE I AM ALONE IN THIS FEELING AND ALONE IN THIS WORLD
AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT PEOPLE WOULD THINK ABOUT THIS OR ANYTHING ELSE
THAT WHOLE CARING TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK IS SOMETHING ELSE YOU
YOU PUT INTO MY HEAD WHILE I WAS GROWING UP.
HOW IN THE WORLD DID I HAVE TIME TO GROW UP? YOU WERE ON DRUGS SO BADLY
YOU WERE DRUNK AND HIGH AND ALL THAT...THAT I HAD NO TIME TO GROW UP.

IN OTHER WORDS, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD
YOU WERE MY MOTHER AND I LOVED YOU AND ALWAYS WILL
BUT I CANNOT TOLERATE YOU HAVING A GRIP ON MY LIFE EVEN AFTER YOU'RE GONE
NOT ANYMORE, NOT IN ANY WAY OR ANY MANNER AT ALL
SO AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU, I HAVE TO CUT YOU OFF, CUT YOUR INFLUENCE AWAY
NOT BY CUTTING MYSELF, THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEAN
I MEAN I HAVE TO DETACH WITH LOVE AND WITH HATE
SINCE ALTHOUGH I LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL THERE ARE TIMES WHERE I HATE YOU TOO
SO MAMA YOU ARE GONE AND MAY YOU REST IN PEACE, I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU
AND YES I HATE YOU AT TIMES TOO, AND BECAUSE I NEED TO AND BECAUSE I HAVE TO LIVE
LIVE A LIFE AND MOVE ON AND MAKE YOU LET GO OF YOUR HORRIBLE GRIP AND CONTROL OF ME
I AM SAYING GOODBYE. I WILL NOT FORGET YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE MY MOTHER AND
I LOVE YOU AND ALWAYS WILL BUT I AM SAYING GOODBYE TO THE CONTROL YOU HAVE HAD
OVER ME ALL OF THESE YEARS, ALL OF THIS TIME, ALL OF THIS CRAZY INSANE FUCKING TIME
I COULD HAVE HAD A BETTER RELATIONSHIP WITH DAD BUT YOU FUCKED ME UP
TO THE POINT WHERE I REALLY COULD NOT, YOU BRAINWASHED ME TO HATE HIM AND
ALL THAT TIME YOU SAID IT WAS HE THAT WAS BRAINWASHING BRANDON TO HATE YOU.
WELL SORRY MAMA YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND TO BE A LIAR AND A HYPOCRITE
AND I LOVE YOU BUT I HAVE TO LET YOU GO
SO GOODBYE MAMA, YOU CAN NO LONGER CONTROL ME.
YOU CAN NO LONGER KEEP YOUR GRIP ON ME.
YOUR NEGATIVITY AND BAD IDEAS AND BAD INFLUENCE ON ME IS BEING SHED RIGHT NOW.
SHED LIKE A SNAKE'S SKIN OR A BIRD'S FEATHERS.
AS MUCH AS I LOVED AND STILL LOVE YOU, I HATED WHAT YOU TURNED YOURSELF INTO
AND STILL HATE YOU FOR FUCKING ME UP AS MUCH AS YOU DID.

THIS WAS MY LETTER TO YOU, I KNOW YOU CAN READ FROM HEAVEN SO I KNOW YOU GOT IT.
I STILL HAVE WORK TO DO IN REGARD TO GRIEVING FOR YOU BUT I WILL NOT LET
YOUR NEGATIVE INFLUENCES OR IDEAS OR STUPID BRAINWASHING GET TO ME ANY MORE.
NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE.

YOU WILL NOT CONTROL ME
YOU WILL NOT FUCK ME UP ANYMORE
YOU WILL NOT DEFINE WHO I AM, NOT ANYMORE.
YOU WILL NEVER EVER CONTROL ME AGAIN.
YOU WILL NEVER EVER FUCK ME UP AGAIN.
YOU WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO ME FROM THE GRAVE.
YOU WILL NOT EVER PUT BAD SHIT INTO MY HEAD AGAIN.
YOU WILL NOT NOT NOT EVER PUT SHIT INTO MY HEAD ABOUT DIVORCE OR ANYTHING ELSE.
YOU ARE MY MOTHER AND YOU WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAUNT ME AND BE ONE OF MY INTERNAL DEMONS.
YOU HAVE DONE SO ANYWAY AND I AM FIGHTING YOU OFF RIGHT NOW.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BRAIN AND STOP FUCKING UP MY LIFE.

LOVE,
ME
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